PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Geez man, take it easy.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*watches the world burn*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.