Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.