*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself