I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
You Might Also Like
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
pelicons
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
a lot to unpack here
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo