To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream