Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.