Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Watermelon Boss!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Every work call, he judges.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Breaking news:
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5