Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.