FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.