13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils