wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.