commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
You Might Also Like
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Body by Oreos
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree