Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane