[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
You Might Also Like
get you a girl who
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.