Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions