Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I bet birds love this building.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars