Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
are there any atheist mantises?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday