[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
You Might Also Like
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.