if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor