[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
They must have gotten it to go.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*