Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO