[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit