I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers