I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.