Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
real
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.