one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them