(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.