Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!