“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200