Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.