Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.