WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You Might Also Like
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Breaking news:
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten