I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan