some Old Testament wisdom
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I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The opposite of goth is stopth.