The happy life.. 😊
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?