The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
One of the best
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.