Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book