Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
You Might Also Like
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”