If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’