[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.