Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
me: my friends:
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”