Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Baller is short for ballerina
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!