“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer