Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom