*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.