[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
me and the Superbowl rn
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go