Reporter: *ports again*
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Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
This is me 🤣🤣
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
how much for the angry fruit?
Word!
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!