Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
english majors be like furthermore
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Name another movie that mislead you?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles