This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Camping tip: No.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.