GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?